ANYONE looking for the ultimate corporate bonding day out or stag/hen experience should check out the hair-raising Caterham Slalom at Brands Hatch. vies for the title of the new Captain Slow for his trackday experience.

As my souped-up Caterham Seven lurches unceremoniously to a halt mid-way through a doughnut spin, it’s clear this is not one of my better days at the office.

It looks as though I’ll be auditioning for the role of the new Captain Slow if my practice lap times are any more woeful round this fiendishly-prepared Brands slalom course.

Whether it’s the pressure of the moment or sheer driving inadequacy is hard to say, but my rapidly engulfing sense of humiliation is increasingly hard to stomach.

After a spin round the indy circuit last autumn, my confidence levels should have been high for this off-road event. But back then I had the invaluable assistance of a seasoned rally driver to soundly guide me round the circuit’s tight, twisting racing line.

From the advice I receive, it turns out the key to success in this challenge lies in relaxing and attempting to go with the fast-paced flow of events.

One thing’s for sure, there’s nothing quite like pitting yourself in a time trial against a pack of eager drivers to bring out some friendly banter-fuelled rivalry. But just how good could the "opposition" of nine other motoring journos be?

It’s a familiar question which will be preoccupying anyone braving this instant smile-inducing Caterham slalom experience at this famous venue.

No sooner than our no-frills briefing is dispensed with, it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty with the first of three disciplines which steadily increase in difficulty.

The first includes weaving round a number of closely positioned cones in these lean looking modified Seven Roadsports models which hug the ground with precision. I manage the task somewhat raggedly, before a doughnut finale points the way to a sprint finish. "You were all over the place," barks one of the Caterham staff, to which I have absolutely no defence whatsoever.

You see, it seems that in this instance that all conventional driving techniques are swiftly thrown out of the window for these track-prepped cars.

Their slicked-up rear tyres wreak all kinds of havoc with the control of the car and it seems the way to progress is to merely power round the cones than the logical method of actually applying some degree of steering.

Failing to produce a sub 30 second time has left me trailing just one place behind the least speedy of the pack. This was clearly not looking like it was going to happen.

Just as I felt I was reeling in the times for our second section which features some sneaky chicanes and the necessity for a powerslide for good measure, it all goes horribly wrong. I somehow miss the exit gates and flunk on another time.

The perfect – or even near perfect – doughnut is still eluding me. But come to think about it, a high-revving spin round a cone in the style of a boy racer hoodie in a Sainsbury’s car park is not something they tend to teach you at BSM when you’re learning to drive.

My redemption is in sight though with the final section. It’s time for an all-or-nothing approach with my final run. Nothing flashy, just a case of getting the business done. Summoning my best getaway driver spirit, I put peddle to the metal and somehow manage to shade a time just under 30 seconds to my immense relief.

Alas, my joy is short-lived as the combined times of all three trials are totted up and I finish a miserable 8th. No podium honours for me this time then. Yet it’s an experience I can heartily recommend.

One of Caterham’s young instructors, 24-year-old Sarah Reader from Stratford-upon-Avon explains the buzz of competing and driving Dartford’s finest sporting export.

"I’ve always loved driving, but it was my dad whose family are all from Kent that got me into Caterham’s about eight years ago. I got the bug and just never stopped with them.

"They are fantastic to drive, with their power to weight ratio, you just can’t beat them. I’ve been racing them all over Europe which has been great and I love the instruction work and seeing how people get better with their driving."

After patiently explaining to me some of the finer points of slalom driving, I come away feeling as if I’ve learnt a thing or two. Heck, my pride may have taken a whack but in terms of sheer driving joy, this event is incredibly hard to beat.

FACTFILE

Caterham Roadsport

PRICES: From £19,995 – on the road

INSURANCE GROUP: 20

PERFORMANCE: [SV160] Max Speed 125mph / 0-60mph 4.9s

FUEL CONSUMPTION: [SV160] (combined) 34.1mpg @ 75mph